[00:00.00]90听音乐网 www.90T8.com [00:00.05]Now in the last week [00:01.25]I've had calls from three different people who were all broken up with and each [00:07.39]And every single one of them is completely hard broken [00:11.03]Every single one of them has said to me [00:13.53]They didn't see this coming [00:15.86]Every single one of them is saying to me [00:17.84]They think it's their fault [00:19.74]And every single one of them missaying to me [00:22.30]They wish it would work out [00:24.14]They wish it could be good again [00:26.10]They wish they could be with this person again [00:29.08]And it's so hot breaking to see how when someone breaks up with us [00:35.76]We immediately blame ourselves [00:38.20]We ignore red flags [00:40.00]We lose ourselves awareness [00:42.46]Because we're not only taking responsibility for the failure of the relationship [00:48.38]We're also taking all the accountability [00:52.52]So what i wanted to create for you in this video was a nobis direct clear talking approach to what to do [01:00.82]If you're going through a break up [01:03.22]I think break us can be the most difficult thing in the world [01:06.06]And if you just been through one right now the reason [01:09.04]Why it's so painful [01:10.50]Is it affects your confidence [01:12.87]It affects your future [01:14.77]It affects your self worse [01:17.28]And it affects your loneliness and connection [01:20.28]It affects you on the deepest emotional spiritual level [01:24.80]Because it challenges you and your worth to your very core [01:30.02]So if you know someone going through this [01:32.04]Pass this along to them [01:33.58]And if you know someone is going through it [01:35.76]Make notes and listen carefully one of the things [01:38.86]People don't realize about a break up [01:40.90]Is that you're actually going through grief [01:44.13]You're going through grief of what you thought you'd have with this person [01:48.47]You going through the ggrief of who you thought this person was you're going through the grief of who you were with this person [01:56.19]There re's a lot ggeef rapped up [01:58.59]Up into break up [02:00.65]And here's the first step [02:03.14]We need to learn to grieve without the faerry tail filter a lot of us [02:09.34]We grieve with the ferry tail filter [02:12.08]We grieve what they promised us [02:14.60]We grieve what we wised we'd have with them [02:17.52]We grieve the potential [02:19.10]The dream state we created in our minds with this person [02:24.90]And therefore the first step is stop idealizing what it wasn't [02:30.72]Your brain is wired to romanticize the past eespecially rejection [02:37.16]Ction calcalroroy reretrospection [02:40.54]Yobera and wills in two thousand rose retrospection is this nostalgii [02:46.44]That we all have all the good old days [02:49.46]All that beautiful state [02:51.98]All that one anniversary [02:54.16]All that one birthday [02:56.39]Your mind creates this rosy retrospection about these simple moments [03:02.47]That maybe you am in thought about [03:04.69]But all of a sudden come flooding back [03:07.65]But he's the truth [03:09.53]You're not missing them [03:11.80]You're missing the version of them [03:13.96]You hoped [03:14.84]Existed [03:16.30]You're not missing them [03:17.94]You're missing the future they promised you [03:21.30]You're not missing them [03:22.86]You're missing who you thought they could become [03:26.51]You're not missing them [03:28.07]You're missing how you felt when you believe it was real [03:32.23]You're not missing them [03:33.77]You're missing the version of you that existed [03:37.25]When you thought they loved you you're not missing them [03:40.83]You're missing the story you are writing in your head [03:44.79]You're not missing them [03:46.33]You're missing the moments that made you forget the truth [03:50.93]Remember [03:51.93]You're not missing them [03:53.51]You're missing the comfort of certainty [03:56.71]Even if it was fake [03:58.55]You're not missing them [03:59.99]You're missing the illusion [04:01.79]That they were right for you [04:04.07]And this is so painful to acknowledge [04:07.59]Which is why we push it off [04:09.31]It's why we avoid it [04:10.65]We never wanna accept that we've been sold a promise world [04:17.53]The majority people that have spoken to that were broken up with were more in love with the promise [04:24.08]The person gave them than the reality they experienced they were more in love with the dream that they wished for than the reality they experienced [04:36.80]They were more inspired by the potential of that person than the reality of that person [04:44.78]We all focus on the promise the dream and the potential more than the reality [04:51.08]The clarity and the truth [04:54.48]We have to come back down to earth [04:57.82]The quicker you can be honest with yourself [05:01.38]The quicker you can heal [05:04.04]I'm not saying speed is important [05:06.90]But if you [05:07.42]Someone who wants to move forward [05:08.96]It will take that approach here's what i want you to do [05:13.12]Write down what actually happened [05:17.73]What they actually did [05:19.75]And what they didn't do [05:21.21]As well see it clearly no edits [05:24.87]No fantasy [05:26.39]Just facts [05:28.85]Clarity is closure [05:30.95]You give yourself [05:32.84]And you can only do that with facts not fantasy [05:37.00]Most people when i asked them [05:38.30]How is the relationship [05:39.68]They'll say [05:41.02]You know we were going to move in together [05:42.84]Ther know know we were onna get a dototogether [05:45.26]You know what we were gonna [05:47.20]We were [05:47.42]We were going to you know get married [05:49.62]That's what we announce like yes [05:50.88]But what was the relationship right no is the difference right [05:54.42]That's not the relationship [05:55.86]That's what you hoped was going to happen in the future [05:58.80]What was the relationship like well we pretty much argued every couple of weeks [06:03.81]I who felt distant [06:05.43]You know over the last few months of canagers felelt like wewerenconnenecoh [06:09.89]So that's what the relationship ship was like so you don't miss that [06:13.29]Because that sounds uncomfortable the most important things in a romantic relationship [06:19.59]Others to feel safe [06:23.26]To feel seen [06:24.86]And to feel supported [06:27.03]If you don't feel safe [06:29.63]You don't have a foundation [06:32.47]When you're walk into a building [06:33.55]When you walk into a home [06:34.29]When you're even walking down a street [06:36.21]The first thing you think about is safety [06:38.89]You don't wannhurt yourself [06:41.66]When you enter a new relationship asked yourself [06:44.30]Does this person make me feel safe [06:47.54]Do i feel that they're reliable [06:50.44]Do i feel like they make me feel safe secure [06:56.54]The second is do they make me feel seen [06:58.82]Are they present [07:00.66]Are they listening [07:02.28]Are they curious about me [07:04.56]Do i feel seen when i'm wdom for who i am [07:07.58]Or do i feel forced to project another version of myself [07:12.08]And the third is do i feel supported [07:15.64]Do i feel supported in my goals [07:17.76]Do i feel supported in my search [07:20.47]And am i willing to do all three for them [07:23.37]When i speak to people going through a break up [07:25.55]And i asked them [07:26.17]What their relationship was really like more often than not most people feel two out [07:32.57]The three were not happening [07:35.01]People didn't feel safe [07:36.67]And they didn't feel seen [07:38.25]Even if they felt supported [07:40.09]They didn't feel seen or supported [07:42.31]Even though they say they feel safe [07:45.42]Look at the facts not the fiction [07:48.40]Focus on the facts not the fantasy step number two is interrupt the obsession loop [07:56.60]When you speak to someone is gone for a break up [07:58.94]They need to talk about the same thing multiple times that's normal by the way [08:04.38]That's how our mind processes [08:06.16]Sometimes we need to say the same thing in the same way [08:09.86]And someone else is stinking what is going on here [08:13.00]But our brain is almost washing [08:14.60]It right [08:15.33]Think about it like a washing machine [08:17.33]A piece of clothing [08:18.31]Doesn't just go the washing machine once and come out clean the washing machine has to roll again and again and again and tumble again and again and again to get the drout [08:27.61]That wit 't wrain works [08:29.57]That's our mind functions [08:31.33]We have to continue to wash adrt to rce it of the dirt and for it to be clean [08:38.01]So if you're repeating your thoughts again and again and again loud [08:42.37]I promise you [08:43.47]You haven't gone crazy [08:45.40]I promise you [08:46.02]You haven't gone mad [08:47.28]It is the cleansing detoxing process [08:51.08]But at some point we have to interrupt the obsession loop [08:57.69]Because what happens just as with an i am a clothing after forty minutes [09:02.67]It asked to come out the washing machine [09:04.83]If it stays in there for another round [09:07.49]It may get stuck in there [09:09.70]It may start to lose the quality of the material [09:13.38]It may start to stretch [09:15.32]Right it's not ideal for it to stay in that process [09:18.26]So there is a moment [09:19.36]Where we have to interrupt that obsession loop [09:22.54]How do you know to do that [09:23.50]It's not a timing [09:25.16]You can't say that's going to happen in one month [09:27.02]You can't say i'm going to do it after one week [09:29.70]You're going ona know if you're present with the repetitive thoughts [09:33.88]At one point you gna say i need to move on [09:36.82]If you practice number one [09:38.08]You'll know when to do number two [09:40.53]Remember you're not weak for not moving on your chemically hooked break ups trigger the same brain regions as drug withdrawal [09:51.65]Every time you stok their feed repay a memory or wonder what you did wrong [09:56.75]You strengthen the loop [09:59.57]Stop looking at your access social media than not your future [10:05.61]Stop checking who theywith it won't 't help you hestostowatwatchtheir stories like thetheyll suddenly make sense [10:15.09]Stop searching for signs they miss you [10:18.53]They don't post about their grief [10:21.03]Stop waiting for closure from someone who walked away without it and stop decoding their captions [10:28.25]Even if you think they're written for you [10:30.87]Stop giving your piece to someone who already chose to lose it and stop stalking their life like they're still in yours break the cycle block mute delete so many of us don't break the loop [10:53.00]Because we stay obsessed and focused on that person's feed [10:57.58]You're looking at who y're with you might even see them with someone and all of a sudden [11:03.16]Your mind goes crazy [11:04.72]Maybe they're ddating [11:06.30]Maybe they with someone else [11:07.50]Maybe they moved on quickly and all of a sudden [11:10.26]Your messaging your friends going did you see this [11:12.42]Can you find out for me [11:13.98]What are you doing [11:14.86]You're strengthening the obsession loop [11:17.88]Now you're creating new stories [11:20.48]Right now you're creating new pain for yourself [11:23.84]Because you're exacerbying the problem [11:26.02]You now getting involved in future pain [11:28.76]Because you involved in future stories [11:30.61]That you're not a part of up [11:32.29]Until now you are just dealing with what you went through with them [11:35.95]Now they're still in your life [11:37.95]Even though they're not which means they can cause you even more pain from a far [11:43.41]Because you can never check anything with them [11:45.39]You never know how they felt what they were going through remove triggest playlist photos [11:51.55]Even sense all of the sents [11:54.45]They're clothing [11:55.51]The photos [11:56.43]The places you hang out have to be off pounds [12:00.30]Because what happens is we have a chemical connection to all of those things [12:05.56]There's a mental emotional memory in all of those places [12:10.40]Which keeps us stuck in the obsession loop [12:13.74]We have to learn to change our chemical connection [12:16.44]So what we're going to do [12:17.24]Is we going to replace that [12:18.44]That omination with a new routine [12:21.42]Moving your body [12:22.32]Engaging your mind [12:23.28]New ways changes [12:24.76]The chemicals don't wait to feel better [12:29.18]Break the loop to get better [12:32.26]We're waiting to feel better [12:34.54]We're waiting for them to make us feel better [12:36.84]We're waiting for our friends to make us feel better [12:39.64]But the only thing that can get you better is breaking the obsession loop step number three is killed the narrative [12:49.39]That it was all your fault [12:52.57]When there's no closure [12:54.09]The brain creates one [12:55.83]And it usually turns against you [12:58.52]It's called negativity bias [13:00.96]Your mind will fill in the blanks with worst case self blame the biggest mistake you'll make [13:07.36]After a breakup is you blame everything on yourself [13:13.00]You keep replaying the moments [13:15.73]You wish you said something different [13:18.99]You keep thinking about all the things [13:21.57]You got wrong [13:22.97]And they got right [13:24.77]You keep thinking about all the moments [13:28.51]You didn't show up [13:30.27]And they did all you can do is obsess over every time you said something wrong [13:39.14]And they said something right [13:41.16]The biggest mistake you'll make is you keep replaying every time you could have done something differently [13:50.36]And they acted perfectly [13:53.06]That is a mistake [13:54.90]Because you're not giving yourself grace [13:57.28]And you're taking accountability and responsibility for something that existed between two people [14:04.14]But you're making it all about you don't make something you shared all about you unless [14:10.97]You're willing to also look at their challenges [14:14.85]Their flaors and their mistakes don't get lost amplifying yours because is the truth relationships don't end because of one thing they end because of many things [14:29.29]Mismatch timing [14:31.17]Misolined values [14:33.97]Misolined character [14:36.51]This is is how to pross a break up [14:39.35]Write this down and say it until it sticks i can take responsibility without taking all the blame [14:48.58]Because here's what i realized [14:50.00]When i really start to talk to people in coach people [14:53.70]They start to share all the red flags [14:57.56]They start to notice all the mistakes of the other person [15:00.28]They start to notice how their intuition an new people always ask me [15:05.30]How do i learn to trust other people [15:09.22]The truth is learn to trust yourself [15:12.54]You never never whwhether you can trust someone or not [15:15.00]But if you trust yourself [15:16.56]You know when to stay and when to leave [15:19.46]Because you know what behavior you allow and what behavior you won't the challenges [15:27.62]And you know this [15:29.63]You ignore the red flags because you didn't want to start over stop ignoring red flags [15:38.84]You ignore the red flags because being chosen felt better than being alone [15:45.56]You ignore the red flags because they said all the right things just never did them [15:51.30]You ignore the red flags because your timeline like the photos [15:57.70]You ignore the red flags because they had potential and you fell in love with that [16:04.20]You ignore the red flags because they apologized just enough [16:09.82]You ignore the red flags because you were afraid this might be your only shot [16:16.80]You ignore the red flags because you thought love was supposed to hurt all of us [16:23.92]Ignore red flags because we're trying to trust the other person [16:29.82]Not realizing we should focus on trusting ourselves step number four close the loop with your own ritul [16:39.84]Waiting for them to give you peace is giving away [16:43.54]Your power waiting for them to give you closure is leaving [16:48.85]You unclear [16:50.67]Waiting for them to fix you is leaving you broken [16:55.57]Waiting for them to help you is leaving [16:58.87]You unhealed create a closure ritul [17:03.94]Something symbolic that tells your nervous system [17:07.76]This chapter ends here [17:11.72]And you can try write them a letter [17:14.64]Don't send it and burn it [17:17.40]You can bury a photo [17:19.78]Delete the last message thread [17:22.00]Then go for a walk with no phone [17:24.94]Closure isn't given [17:26.80]It's created [17:29.02]They won't give you closure [17:31.44]You have to give that to yourself [17:34.68]They won't rebuild your confidence [17:37.66]You have to do that from the ground up [17:41.04]They won't explain why they changed you have to stop needing the answer [17:46.74]They won't make you whole because you were never incomplete in the first place [17:52.68]They won't own the mess [17:54.44]They made you just have to stop standing in it [17:59.01]They won't meet you where you are [18:01.85]You just have to keep walking [18:04.41]A ritual could be a new commitment to yourself [18:08.03]A rital could be a new commitment to a friend [18:12.04]Origitally is something that is changing your chemistry [18:15.56]Changing your emotional space by adding something new to your life [18:20.04]What's happening is your missing an old emotion and your body in mind are dragging you to want that person back in your life [18:30.31]We often think we need a new person to replace an old person [18:35.43]But what we actually need is a new emotion [18:38.61]A new experience [18:40.13]A new connection to replace the old experience [18:45.05]A new set of chemicals [18:46.75]A new set of movement [18:48.59]Set number five [18:50.45]Understand that pain doesn't mean [18:53.59]You're meant to be just because you feel pain from a break up doesn't mean [18:59.59]You're meant to be just because you think you miss that person doesn't mean [19:05.37]Your meant to be just because you think that they'll come back around doesn't mean they will [19:14.21]And while you're waiting [19:16.13]You don't grow [19:17.85]You don't become more attractive [19:19.23]You don't become the person [19:20.41]You want to be be you hurting [19:23.37]Doesn't mean they your soul mate [19:26.54]It means you felt deeply [19:29.68]It means you have the capacity for love [19:32.56]It means you have the ability to give [19:35.80]And your human pain isn't proof [19:39.08]It was right [19:40.56]It's proof that you could studies show etional tional in activates the same brain regions as physical injury [19:50.25]Think about this [19:51.29]I read one study [19:52.53]That said that when you feel left out of the group chat [19:56.99]It feels like you broke your leg right there's a physical pain fell from an emotional discust [20:05.16]So when you're going through a break up [20:06.96]It's going to feel like a punch in the gup [20:09.54]It's onna feel like someone ripped your heart of your chest [20:12.60]And broke it into pieces [20:14.50]It feels like physical pain [20:17.10]So if you're feeling that [20:18.76]That's natural [20:20.53]But here's what you need to remember just because it hurts doesn't mean it was right remember what i said earlier love isn't about what feels the most exciting [20:32.83]It's about the person that makes you feel safe scene and supported someone breaking your heart open ripping it out of your chest is not safe scene or supported step number six redirect the energy ruthlessly heart break gives you access to a fire [20:52.31]Most people never touch use it channeneit move with it redesign your space take a course start living weights get a new passion [21:04.11]Right like your life depends on it [21:06.21]Psychologists [21:07.03]Doctor jordan [21:07.73]Peterson caused this productive aggression instead of turning it inward transpmuted breakdowns making credible fuel [21:17.12]When you don't waste them on breaking down [21:20.90]You use the breakdown for a breakthrough and finally step number seven stop waiting to feel ready [21:30.73]You're not just getting over them [21:33.09]You're rebuilding you after a break up [21:36.27]Your brain experiences an identity gap [21:40.57]You don't lose the person [21:42.31]You lose who you were with them [21:45.55]You don't lose the person [21:47.55]You lose who you wish you could be with them [21:52.29]You don't lose the person [21:54.17]You wish the future [21:55.37]You [21:56.07]You thought about that you'd be with them [22:00.59]So here's your job pick one thing [22:04.43]That's yours one thing [22:07.19]They didn't influence one version of you [22:10.95]You want to grow into and start acting from that place now not next month [22:18.24]Not when you're healed now [22:20.72]If you're going through a break up remember this [22:24.02]You're not trying to get back to who you were before them [22:28.32]You're becoming someone [22:30.22]Who they never got to meet you didn't get closure to give yourself [22:35.42]Something better a new start take everything you learned [22:40.46]You don't need a blank slate [22:42.28]You actually want a slate filled with wisdom [22:46.20]Not because they moved on [22:48.18]But because you decided [22:50.18]So will you [22:52.28]I empathzed with anyone going through this in their life
LRC动态歌词下载
[00:00.00]90听音乐网 www.90T8.com[00:00.05]Now in the last week
[00:01.25]I've had calls from three different people who were all broken up with and each
[00:07.39]And every single one of them is completely hard broken
[00:11.03]Every single one of them has said to me
[00:13.53]They didn't see this coming
[00:15.86]Every single one of them is saying to me
[00:17.84]They think it's their fault
[00:19.74]And every single one of them missaying to me
[00:22.30]They wish it would work out
[00:24.14]They wish it could be good again
[00:26.10]They wish they could be with this person again
[00:29.08]And it's so hot breaking to see how when someone breaks up with us
[00:35.76]We immediately blame ourselves
[00:38.20]We ignore red flags
[00:40.00]We lose ourselves awareness
[00:42.46]Because we're not only taking responsibility for the failure of the relationship
[00:48.38]We're also taking all the accountability
[00:52.52]So what i wanted to create for you in this video was a nobis direct clear talking approach to what to do
[01:00.82]If you're going through a break up
[01:03.22]I think break us can be the most difficult thing in the world
[01:06.06]And if you just been through one right now the reason
[01:09.04]Why it's so painful
[01:10.50]Is it affects your confidence
[01:12.87]It affects your future
[01:14.77]It affects your self worse
[01:17.28]And it affects your loneliness and connection
[01:20.28]It affects you on the deepest emotional spiritual level
[01:24.80]Because it challenges you and your worth to your very core
[01:30.02]So if you know someone going through this
[01:32.04]Pass this along to them
[01:33.58]And if you know someone is going through it
[01:35.76]Make notes and listen carefully one of the things
[01:38.86]People don't realize about a break up
[01:40.90]Is that you're actually going through grief
[01:44.13]You're going through grief of what you thought you'd have with this person
[01:48.47]You going through the ggrief of who you thought this person was you're going through the grief of who you were with this person
[01:56.19]There re's a lot ggeef rapped up
[01:58.59]Up into break up
[02:00.65]And here's the first step
[02:03.14]We need to learn to grieve without the faerry tail filter a lot of us
[02:09.34]We grieve with the ferry tail filter
[02:12.08]We grieve what they promised us
[02:14.60]We grieve what we wised we'd have with them
[02:17.52]We grieve the potential
[02:19.10]The dream state we created in our minds with this person
[02:24.90]And therefore the first step is stop idealizing what it wasn't
[02:30.72]Your brain is wired to romanticize the past eespecially rejection
[02:37.16]Ction calcalroroy reretrospection
[02:40.54]Yobera and wills in two thousand rose retrospection is this nostalgii
[02:46.44]That we all have all the good old days
[02:49.46]All that beautiful state
[02:51.98]All that one anniversary
[02:54.16]All that one birthday
[02:56.39]Your mind creates this rosy retrospection about these simple moments
[03:02.47]That maybe you am in thought about
[03:04.69]But all of a sudden come flooding back
[03:07.65]But he's the truth
[03:09.53]You're not missing them
[03:11.80]You're missing the version of them
[03:13.96]You hoped
[03:14.84]Existed
[03:16.30]You're not missing them
[03:17.94]You're missing the future they promised you
[03:21.30]You're not missing them
[03:22.86]You're missing who you thought they could become
[03:26.51]You're not missing them
[03:28.07]You're missing how you felt when you believe it was real
[03:32.23]You're not missing them
[03:33.77]You're missing the version of you that existed
[03:37.25]When you thought they loved you you're not missing them
[03:40.83]You're missing the story you are writing in your head
[03:44.79]You're not missing them
[03:46.33]You're missing the moments that made you forget the truth
[03:50.93]Remember
[03:51.93]You're not missing them
[03:53.51]You're missing the comfort of certainty
[03:56.71]Even if it was fake
[03:58.55]You're not missing them
[03:59.99]You're missing the illusion
[04:01.79]That they were right for you
[04:04.07]And this is so painful to acknowledge
[04:07.59]Which is why we push it off
[04:09.31]It's why we avoid it
[04:10.65]We never wanna accept that we've been sold a promise world
[04:17.53]The majority people that have spoken to that were broken up with were more in love with the promise
[04:24.08]The person gave them than the reality they experienced they were more in love with the dream that they wished for than the reality they experienced
[04:36.80]They were more inspired by the potential of that person than the reality of that person
[04:44.78]We all focus on the promise the dream and the potential more than the reality
[04:51.08]The clarity and the truth
[04:54.48]We have to come back down to earth
[04:57.82]The quicker you can be honest with yourself
[05:01.38]The quicker you can heal
[05:04.04]I'm not saying speed is important
[05:06.90]But if you
[05:07.42]Someone who wants to move forward
[05:08.96]It will take that approach here's what i want you to do
[05:13.12]Write down what actually happened
[05:17.73]What they actually did
[05:19.75]And what they didn't do
[05:21.21]As well see it clearly no edits
[05:24.87]No fantasy
[05:26.39]Just facts
[05:28.85]Clarity is closure
[05:30.95]You give yourself
[05:32.84]And you can only do that with facts not fantasy
[05:37.00]Most people when i asked them
[05:38.30]How is the relationship
[05:39.68]They'll say
[05:41.02]You know we were going to move in together
[05:42.84]Ther know know we were onna get a dototogether
[05:45.26]You know what we were gonna
[05:47.20]We were
[05:47.42]We were going to you know get married
[05:49.62]That's what we announce like yes
[05:50.88]But what was the relationship right no is the difference right
[05:54.42]That's not the relationship
[05:55.86]That's what you hoped was going to happen in the future
[05:58.80]What was the relationship like well we pretty much argued every couple of weeks
[06:03.81]I who felt distant
[06:05.43]You know over the last few months of canagers felelt like wewerenconnenecoh
[06:09.89]So that's what the relationship ship was like so you don't miss that
[06:13.29]Because that sounds uncomfortable the most important things in a romantic relationship
[06:19.59]Others to feel safe
[06:23.26]To feel seen
[06:24.86]And to feel supported
[06:27.03]If you don't feel safe
[06:29.63]You don't have a foundation
[06:32.47]When you're walk into a building
[06:33.55]When you walk into a home
[06:34.29]When you're even walking down a street
[06:36.21]The first thing you think about is safety
[06:38.89]You don't wannhurt yourself
[06:41.66]When you enter a new relationship asked yourself
[06:44.30]Does this person make me feel safe
[06:47.54]Do i feel that they're reliable
[06:50.44]Do i feel like they make me feel safe secure
[06:56.54]The second is do they make me feel seen
[06:58.82]Are they present
[07:00.66]Are they listening
[07:02.28]Are they curious about me
[07:04.56]Do i feel seen when i'm wdom for who i am
[07:07.58]Or do i feel forced to project another version of myself
[07:12.08]And the third is do i feel supported
[07:15.64]Do i feel supported in my goals
[07:17.76]Do i feel supported in my search
[07:20.47]And am i willing to do all three for them
[07:23.37]When i speak to people going through a break up
[07:25.55]And i asked them
[07:26.17]What their relationship was really like more often than not most people feel two out
[07:32.57]The three were not happening
[07:35.01]People didn't feel safe
[07:36.67]And they didn't feel seen
[07:38.25]Even if they felt supported
[07:40.09]They didn't feel seen or supported
[07:42.31]Even though they say they feel safe
[07:45.42]Look at the facts not the fiction
[07:48.40]Focus on the facts not the fantasy step number two is interrupt the obsession loop
[07:56.60]When you speak to someone is gone for a break up
[07:58.94]They need to talk about the same thing multiple times that's normal by the way
[08:04.38]That's how our mind processes
[08:06.16]Sometimes we need to say the same thing in the same way
[08:09.86]And someone else is stinking what is going on here
[08:13.00]But our brain is almost washing
[08:14.60]It right
[08:15.33]Think about it like a washing machine
[08:17.33]A piece of clothing
[08:18.31]Doesn't just go the washing machine once and come out clean the washing machine has to roll again and again and again and tumble again and again and again to get the drout
[08:27.61]That wit 't wrain works
[08:29.57]That's our mind functions
[08:31.33]We have to continue to wash adrt to rce it of the dirt and for it to be clean
[08:38.01]So if you're repeating your thoughts again and again and again loud
[08:42.37]I promise you
[08:43.47]You haven't gone crazy
[08:45.40]I promise you
[08:46.02]You haven't gone mad
[08:47.28]It is the cleansing detoxing process
[08:51.08]But at some point we have to interrupt the obsession loop
[08:57.69]Because what happens just as with an i am a clothing after forty minutes
[09:02.67]It asked to come out the washing machine
[09:04.83]If it stays in there for another round
[09:07.49]It may get stuck in there
[09:09.70]It may start to lose the quality of the material
[09:13.38]It may start to stretch
[09:15.32]Right it's not ideal for it to stay in that process
[09:18.26]So there is a moment
[09:19.36]Where we have to interrupt that obsession loop
[09:22.54]How do you know to do that
[09:23.50]It's not a timing
[09:25.16]You can't say that's going to happen in one month
[09:27.02]You can't say i'm going to do it after one week
[09:29.70]You're going ona know if you're present with the repetitive thoughts
[09:33.88]At one point you gna say i need to move on
[09:36.82]If you practice number one
[09:38.08]You'll know when to do number two
[09:40.53]Remember you're not weak for not moving on your chemically hooked break ups trigger the same brain regions as drug withdrawal
[09:51.65]Every time you stok their feed repay a memory or wonder what you did wrong
[09:56.75]You strengthen the loop
[09:59.57]Stop looking at your access social media than not your future
[10:05.61]Stop checking who theywith it won't 't help you hestostowatwatchtheir stories like thetheyll suddenly make sense
[10:15.09]Stop searching for signs they miss you
[10:18.53]They don't post about their grief
[10:21.03]Stop waiting for closure from someone who walked away without it and stop decoding their captions
[10:28.25]Even if you think they're written for you
[10:30.87]Stop giving your piece to someone who already chose to lose it and stop stalking their life like they're still in yours break the cycle block mute delete so many of us don't break the loop
[10:53.00]Because we stay obsessed and focused on that person's feed
[10:57.58]You're looking at who y're with you might even see them with someone and all of a sudden
[11:03.16]Your mind goes crazy
[11:04.72]Maybe they're ddating
[11:06.30]Maybe they with someone else
[11:07.50]Maybe they moved on quickly and all of a sudden
[11:10.26]Your messaging your friends going did you see this
[11:12.42]Can you find out for me
[11:13.98]What are you doing
[11:14.86]You're strengthening the obsession loop
[11:17.88]Now you're creating new stories
[11:20.48]Right now you're creating new pain for yourself
[11:23.84]Because you're exacerbying the problem
[11:26.02]You now getting involved in future pain
[11:28.76]Because you involved in future stories
[11:30.61]That you're not a part of up
[11:32.29]Until now you are just dealing with what you went through with them
[11:35.95]Now they're still in your life
[11:37.95]Even though they're not which means they can cause you even more pain from a far
[11:43.41]Because you can never check anything with them
[11:45.39]You never know how they felt what they were going through remove triggest playlist photos
[11:51.55]Even sense all of the sents
[11:54.45]They're clothing
[11:55.51]The photos
[11:56.43]The places you hang out have to be off pounds
[12:00.30]Because what happens is we have a chemical connection to all of those things
[12:05.56]There's a mental emotional memory in all of those places
[12:10.40]Which keeps us stuck in the obsession loop
[12:13.74]We have to learn to change our chemical connection
[12:16.44]So what we're going to do
[12:17.24]Is we going to replace that
[12:18.44]That omination with a new routine
[12:21.42]Moving your body
[12:22.32]Engaging your mind
[12:23.28]New ways changes
[12:24.76]The chemicals don't wait to feel better
[12:29.18]Break the loop to get better
[12:32.26]We're waiting to feel better
[12:34.54]We're waiting for them to make us feel better
[12:36.84]We're waiting for our friends to make us feel better
[12:39.64]But the only thing that can get you better is breaking the obsession loop step number three is killed the narrative
[12:49.39]That it was all your fault
[12:52.57]When there's no closure
[12:54.09]The brain creates one
[12:55.83]And it usually turns against you
[12:58.52]It's called negativity bias
[13:00.96]Your mind will fill in the blanks with worst case self blame the biggest mistake you'll make
[13:07.36]After a breakup is you blame everything on yourself
[13:13.00]You keep replaying the moments
[13:15.73]You wish you said something different
[13:18.99]You keep thinking about all the things
[13:21.57]You got wrong
[13:22.97]And they got right
[13:24.77]You keep thinking about all the moments
[13:28.51]You didn't show up
[13:30.27]And they did all you can do is obsess over every time you said something wrong
[13:39.14]And they said something right
[13:41.16]The biggest mistake you'll make is you keep replaying every time you could have done something differently
[13:50.36]And they acted perfectly
[13:53.06]That is a mistake
[13:54.90]Because you're not giving yourself grace
[13:57.28]And you're taking accountability and responsibility for something that existed between two people
[14:04.14]But you're making it all about you don't make something you shared all about you unless
[14:10.97]You're willing to also look at their challenges
[14:14.85]Their flaors and their mistakes don't get lost amplifying yours because is the truth relationships don't end because of one thing they end because of many things
[14:29.29]Mismatch timing
[14:31.17]Misolined values
[14:33.97]Misolined character
[14:36.51]This is is how to pross a break up
[14:39.35]Write this down and say it until it sticks i can take responsibility without taking all the blame
[14:48.58]Because here's what i realized
[14:50.00]When i really start to talk to people in coach people
[14:53.70]They start to share all the red flags
[14:57.56]They start to notice all the mistakes of the other person
[15:00.28]They start to notice how their intuition an new people always ask me
[15:05.30]How do i learn to trust other people
[15:09.22]The truth is learn to trust yourself
[15:12.54]You never never whwhether you can trust someone or not
[15:15.00]But if you trust yourself
[15:16.56]You know when to stay and when to leave
[15:19.46]Because you know what behavior you allow and what behavior you won't the challenges
[15:27.62]And you know this
[15:29.63]You ignore the red flags because you didn't want to start over stop ignoring red flags
[15:38.84]You ignore the red flags because being chosen felt better than being alone
[15:45.56]You ignore the red flags because they said all the right things just never did them
[15:51.30]You ignore the red flags because your timeline like the photos
[15:57.70]You ignore the red flags because they had potential and you fell in love with that
[16:04.20]You ignore the red flags because they apologized just enough
[16:09.82]You ignore the red flags because you were afraid this might be your only shot
[16:16.80]You ignore the red flags because you thought love was supposed to hurt all of us
[16:23.92]Ignore red flags because we're trying to trust the other person
[16:29.82]Not realizing we should focus on trusting ourselves step number four close the loop with your own ritul
[16:39.84]Waiting for them to give you peace is giving away
[16:43.54]Your power waiting for them to give you closure is leaving
[16:48.85]You unclear
[16:50.67]Waiting for them to fix you is leaving you broken
[16:55.57]Waiting for them to help you is leaving
[16:58.87]You unhealed create a closure ritul
[17:03.94]Something symbolic that tells your nervous system
[17:07.76]This chapter ends here
[17:11.72]And you can try write them a letter
[17:14.64]Don't send it and burn it
[17:17.40]You can bury a photo
[17:19.78]Delete the last message thread
[17:22.00]Then go for a walk with no phone
[17:24.94]Closure isn't given
[17:26.80]It's created
[17:29.02]They won't give you closure
[17:31.44]You have to give that to yourself
[17:34.68]They won't rebuild your confidence
[17:37.66]You have to do that from the ground up
[17:41.04]They won't explain why they changed you have to stop needing the answer
[17:46.74]They won't make you whole because you were never incomplete in the first place
[17:52.68]They won't own the mess
[17:54.44]They made you just have to stop standing in it
[17:59.01]They won't meet you where you are
[18:01.85]You just have to keep walking
[18:04.41]A ritual could be a new commitment to yourself
[18:08.03]A rital could be a new commitment to a friend
[18:12.04]Origitally is something that is changing your chemistry
[18:15.56]Changing your emotional space by adding something new to your life
[18:20.04]What's happening is your missing an old emotion and your body in mind are dragging you to want that person back in your life
[18:30.31]We often think we need a new person to replace an old person
[18:35.43]But what we actually need is a new emotion
[18:38.61]A new experience
[18:40.13]A new connection to replace the old experience
[18:45.05]A new set of chemicals
[18:46.75]A new set of movement
[18:48.59]Set number five
[18:50.45]Understand that pain doesn't mean
[18:53.59]You're meant to be just because you feel pain from a break up doesn't mean
[18:59.59]You're meant to be just because you think you miss that person doesn't mean
[19:05.37]Your meant to be just because you think that they'll come back around doesn't mean they will
[19:14.21]And while you're waiting
[19:16.13]You don't grow
[19:17.85]You don't become more attractive
[19:19.23]You don't become the person
[19:20.41]You want to be be you hurting
[19:23.37]Doesn't mean they your soul mate
[19:26.54]It means you felt deeply
[19:29.68]It means you have the capacity for love
[19:32.56]It means you have the ability to give
[19:35.80]And your human pain isn't proof
[19:39.08]It was right
[19:40.56]It's proof that you could studies show etional tional in activates the same brain regions as physical injury
[19:50.25]Think about this
[19:51.29]I read one study
[19:52.53]That said that when you feel left out of the group chat
[19:56.99]It feels like you broke your leg right there's a physical pain fell from an emotional discust
[20:05.16]So when you're going through a break up
[20:06.96]It's going to feel like a punch in the gup
[20:09.54]It's onna feel like someone ripped your heart of your chest
[20:12.60]And broke it into pieces
[20:14.50]It feels like physical pain
[20:17.10]So if you're feeling that
[20:18.76]That's natural
[20:20.53]But here's what you need to remember just because it hurts doesn't mean it was right remember what i said earlier love isn't about what feels the most exciting
[20:32.83]It's about the person that makes you feel safe scene and supported someone breaking your heart open ripping it out of your chest is not safe scene or supported step number six redirect the energy ruthlessly heart break gives you access to a fire
[20:52.31]Most people never touch use it channeneit move with it redesign your space take a course start living weights get a new passion
[21:04.11]Right like your life depends on it
[21:06.21]Psychologists
[21:07.03]Doctor jordan
[21:07.73]Peterson caused this productive aggression instead of turning it inward transpmuted breakdowns making credible fuel
[21:17.12]When you don't waste them on breaking down
[21:20.90]You use the breakdown for a breakthrough and finally step number seven stop waiting to feel ready
[21:30.73]You're not just getting over them
[21:33.09]You're rebuilding you after a break up
[21:36.27]Your brain experiences an identity gap
[21:40.57]You don't lose the person
[21:42.31]You lose who you were with them
[21:45.55]You don't lose the person
[21:47.55]You lose who you wish you could be with them
[21:52.29]You don't lose the person
[21:54.17]You wish the future
[21:55.37]You
[21:56.07]You thought about that you'd be with them
[22:00.59]So here's your job pick one thing
[22:04.43]That's yours one thing
[22:07.19]They didn't influence one version of you
[22:10.95]You want to grow into and start acting from that place now not next month
[22:18.24]Not when you're healed now
[22:20.72]If you're going through a break up remember this
[22:24.02]You're not trying to get back to who you were before them
[22:28.32]You're becoming someone
[22:30.22]Who they never got to meet you didn't get closure to give yourself
[22:35.42]Something better a new start take everything you learned
[22:40.46]You don't need a blank slate
[22:42.28]You actually want a slate filled with wisdom
[22:46.20]Not because they moved on
[22:48.18]But because you decided
[22:50.18]So will you
[22:52.28]I empathzed with anyone going through this in their life
