[00:00.00]90听音乐网 www.90T8.com [00:00.19]Loneliness is something i am deeply passionate about because i don't think we approach it as honestly as we should [00:07.01]And that's why it will always be one of the reasons [00:09.59]People keep abandoning themselves [00:11.83]I go deep up into my approach in this video here [00:14.75]But the heart of it is this we need to disroone loneliness [00:18.83]Okay [00:19.29]I'm came into the way we treat [00:20.69]And as if it's [00:21.65]It's tragic shameful scene that should never happen [00:25.43]As if it's unnatural [00:26.81]But it's not [00:27.71]And when we see that way we stop our mselves from learning how to live with it [00:32.34]We don't observe it [00:34.26]We don't get curious about it [00:36.10]We don't build healthy ways to cope with it [00:39.30]Instead we focus all our energy on getting rid of it [00:42.98]Even if it means running into people and places that slowly cheaper away at our humanity the first way to begin changing your relationship with loneliness is to reframe your way of seeing it [00:56.64]It's a natural human experience inevitable at times and in many cases [01:01.78]It doesn't mean anything in sendious about you now [01:06.18]Of course there are people who are lonely [01:08.38]Because theyyve ve isolathemselves ves for a plethrow of reasons [01:12.34]And i found it difficult to return to the world [01:15.08]And for many people is started as survival trauma can teach your body [01:19.82]That solitude is safer and company [01:22.46]If that's your story [01:23.60]My heart genually goes out to you be gentle with yourself [01:27.22]Self [01:27.42]You don't have to leayou can [01:29.06]Can ch [01:29.98]没的没有 [01:30.42]If it's available to use start with therapy [01:33.38]Then slowly we entered the world in ways that feel manageable one of the things i did for myself [01:39.42]When i was coming out of self isolation was this instead of always sitting alone [01:44.46]Because i do like to be alone [01:46.32]And that i've always sitting alone [01:48.22]I would find a group of people and sit right in the middle or right beside them [01:53.00]And if i didn't know them [01:53.98]I would just like can i join you [01:55.24]Yeah [01:56.60]嗯 [01:57.04]And then i'll just sit there [01:58.90]And listen or do my own thing or eat quietly [02:01.98]It was my way of teaching my body to feel safe around others again [02:06.06]And by the way i still do it [02:07.68]Till this day yes and no [02:09.70]I don't care what people think instead of telling myself the story that i'never never lling to other people on what they are saying ying [02:15.98]I sit t [02:16.72]And i [02:17.52]My sithing there i [02:18.46]My head phones in [02:19.42]I smile [02:20.18]If someonesmiles at me [02:21.74]I don't say much [02:22.94]But i remind myself that i belong with my fellow human beings [02:26.30]Even even if we don't always share the same wave length [02:30.11]There are also people who have found themselves lonely [02:32.75]Because they've refused to take responsibility for how they show up in the world [02:37.29]I'm talking about those people who coast through their relationships [02:40.45]You know yourself offering little and tain much [02:44.38]Maybe people have coming to your life [02:46.02]They've [02:46.68]The've tried [02:47.38]They've poured into you [02:48.82]But they had to leave [02:50.04]Because you we're unsafe [02:51.44]Inconsiderate abusive manipulative [02:54.00]Or maybe you're someone who benefits from systems to harm other people [02:58.76]And you've chosen silence and comfort overaction [03:01.56]And now you're looking around [03:02.96]And there's no one there for you [03:04.58]Your loneliness is a consequence not occurs [03:09.53]But that doesn't mean [03:10.27]It's permanent [03:10.99]Okay [03:11.47]There is a way [03:12.09]I'll remember i'm am starting with the man in the mirror [03:17.01]Oh Yeah [03:18.13]I'm asking him to change his [03:20.39]Oh oh [03:22.83]Yeah [03:23.39]No message could have be it ququare high [03:26.87]If you wana make the world a better place [03:29.19]Take a look at yourself and then maka maka change yes my love [03:40.40]It starts with you take a look [03:42.74]A really long look at the mirror [03:45.18]And recognize who you've been sufawareness is uncomfortable [03:48.82]But it's also transformation [03:50.72]And ll take honest inventory make commands [03:53.98]Where needed commit to showing up differently the world response to change the behavior [04:00.00]If you do the work connection will follow my forecast [04:04.72]Today though is on people who are dealing with loneliness for complex [04:08.68]And sometimes overlooked reasons [04:10.44]Let's starts with the basics [04:13.22]Why are you lonely [04:15.35]Yes [04:15.85]A lot of us live with a deep ache [04:18.33]Yes we know we are lonely [04:19.99]But we haven't really sat down to reflect [04:22.55]And they sacked the exact [04:24.63]Why what do you actually mean when you say you are lonely [04:28.57]And if someone had the perfect solution to your problem [04:32.11]What would you want it to be okay are you lonely [04:36.14]Because you feel like you've never been loved or trutruly known [04:39.66]If your answer is then pauls are you saying that in your entire life [04:44.84]No parent no friend no teacher no community member has ever loved or know you [04:51.34]And if your answer is still yes [04:53.64]Then i want to gently kindly challenge that is it truly [04:58.12]That no one has ever cat or is it that you want aware of it or able to receive it [05:03.54]There's something quietly destructive about blankeage beliefs [05:08.89]Especially the limiting ones are you familiar with the bay mminine hoff phenomenon also known as the frequency illusion [05:15.25]It's a coggnive bias [05:17.21]Where once you become a way of something [05:19.35]You start to noticing it [05:20.79]Everywhere the same thing happens with your beliefs [05:24.38]If you live with the story [05:26.06]No one truly knows me [05:27.36]Nobody cares about me [05:28.78]Nobody loves me [05:30.06]You will find confirmation for that story [05:32.86]Everywhere you move to the world in ways that reinforce it [05:38.16]You overlook people who see you [05:40.10]You block people who wants to love you [05:43.97]But if you begin just a little to shift that narrative to something like maybe someone out there to see me or would like to offer me [05:53.15]I kept telling myself [05:54.97]If i exist people like me exist you start opininning up possibility [06:01.83]Yes [06:02.35]Your chanance is widing and so do your choices because the land you where decides what you notice on what you let in [06:11.84]So now the real question becomes [06:14.00]Are you willing to change the story you tell yourself even just little are you willing to become more aware of the love or the possibility of love and community that surounds you it's true [06:28.27]What you believe shows up in how you carry yourself [06:31.49]People can feel it [06:33.41]It's written in your posture [06:35.49]You're turn your expectations [06:37.99]When someone walks through the world [06:40.01]Convinced that everybody hates them [06:41.73]It shows you repairs [06:44.12]Healthy connection [06:45.26]Because what you're unconsciously telling people and communicating is that you don't believe that you or someone worth knowing either and the most beautiful thing about our brains [06:56.25]Is that he can't tell the difference [06:57.81]It doesn't know the difference between what's true and what's repeated in neurosciences called newer plasticity [07:04.37]The brain's ability to rewire itself based on repeated thought [07:09.23]Repeated language and behaviour [07:12.08]Every time you repeat a belief [07:13.68]Whether it's i am unlovable or i am worthy of love [07:18.04]You are strengening a neural passway pay attention and the more [07:23.16]It's repeated the more automatic and true [07:26.18]It feels your brain isn't assessing for accuracy [07:31.47]You responds to emotion repetition and consistency [07:35.83]So when you begin expecting to be loved [07:38.39]Respected and supported [07:40.29]Even if [07:40.77]If youels take adverast [07:42.41]Yes you are conditioning your brain to believe it [07:45.49]And over time your action start outlining [07:48.71]You become more open [07:49.95]More grounded [07:50.73]More receptive and people responded that yes try working into the world with the refrarame [07:57.73]I [07:58.14]Myself and others love me [07:59.38]Even if you don't believe it [08:00.32]You'll be shocked at how different everything feels not because the world changed [08:05.38]But because [08:05.80]Because did oookay i ve ve to hearing all of this yes you think and well [08:12.68]It's not that i've never been loved [08:14.22]It's just that i've never had that one person i can call mine [08:18.02]Then we're talking about a different type of loneliness [08:21.26]Now okay [08:22.22]One does stems less from luck and more from desire [08:27.51]Sometimes even from the fantasy and stories [08:30.63]We've been fed about what love is supposed to look like [08:33.43]And that kind of ache is valid by the way it's valid [08:37.51]It can be just as sharp and just as consuming as the ones that come from actual lack [08:43.07]But it's important to clege what it is romantic relationship are not guarantees [08:47.93]They are not old [08:48.41]But are not fundamental human rights [08:51.19]So they're absence in your life is not a failure [08:54.33]It's not proof that something is wrong with you [08:56.47]Yes [08:56.81]Desires are human [08:58.15]But they don't define your worth [08:59.83]And they certainly don't have to dictate the quality of your life [09:03.93]Okay [09:04.77]My video the search for the one might be very beneficial to you [09:08.55]Maybe your loneliness comes from the absence of family [09:11.73]Maybe you feel the gap during hard times [09:14.47]You know when other people call their muom's or rely on their dead [09:17.75]And you have no one you trust enough to call [09:20.15]Or maybe your parents or your loved ones have passed on [09:22.73]And you're carrying the weight of that loss in silence or alone [09:26.27]Or maybe you're one of the many humans with divergent minds trying to survive in the world built on neuroconformity in that case [09:35.82]Your loneliness isn't imagined [09:37.70]It's [09:38.10]It's its systemic you may be surrounded by people who love you [09:41.72]People who shoshop for you [09:43.52]And still feel like there's a pain of glass between you and the rest of the world [09:47.98]Like your clothes but never quite reached scene [09:50.54]But never quite understood and that kind of lonineineit's not about being alone [09:54.74]It's not not [09:55.14]You know know know [09:56.94]Not not about symity is about being misred mistuned and emotionally mistranslated [10:02.67]Again and again in ways so normalized [10:05.59]So deeply eebedded in our culture [10:08.11]In the fabric of our cultures [10:09.45]Our institutions into everyday expectations [10:12.43]That most people don't ever notice that is happening [10:15.59]This can also apply to people who are culturally or racially distinct in the spaces [10:20.01]They occupy telling you to get a new hobby is in the answer certainly [10:24.51]So maybe your relief can come from actively seeking spaces made out for mind like mind like your censory safe environment or even communities [10:33.23]Where people speak your rhythm or share your culture [10:36.81]The reason [10:37.37]I'm asking you to identify the exact causes of your loneliness [10:41.09]So that you can deal with it in the targeted and mind like yours [10:44.47]Because [10:45.40]Because if what you're craving is emotional connection [10:48.06]Then physical closeness that lacks [10:50.12]That emotional depth won't help it will keep you visibly not alone [10:54.04]But eternally empty that's like trying to treeat cancer with painkillers [10:58.60]Because might none the acge [10:59.92]But it won't kill those cells [11:01.92]This is why [11:02.56]So many force are waste deep in painful relationships on healthy attachments on shalthy connections [11:08.32]Because we a't 't ililto to netions [11:10.52]Because our age long enough to learn what it might mean [11:14.00]And we wln't mean [11:15.85]What does it mean [11:16.93]It means accepting that some kinds of loneliness might never fully go away [11:22.79]Especially [11:23.38]The systemic kind are that healing that might take time or truth or a whole lot of discomfort [11:30.71]And again before you despair here this being human ean experiencing the foose spectrum of emotion [11:38.21]Joy Grief [11:39.25]Anger [11:39.67]Loneliness [11:40.27]Love [11:40.79]None of it is good or bad [11:43.01]It just is [11:44.66]嗯 [11:45.06]Just like some people turn to cheap [11:46.56]Opperen to escape sadness or boredom we run from loneliness [11:51.58]Because we've never learned to live with it [11:53.84]To get curious about it to be frienend it ask yyourself [11:58.58]When do you feel alone is it at night [12:00.78]In the mornings on father's day or mother's day [12:04.14]Or when you see couples [12:05.36]Or maybe you see someone being held in the way [12:07.86]You longful are there any other pggers [12:10.56]What's on healthy patterns do you usually engaging when it happens [12:14.93]What does that pattern review to you [12:17.19]Because once you have a name for it [12:19.51]You can then create a ritual to meet it [12:22.59]Say it's six pm on the wednesday [12:24.67]And you're aching for someone to hold you [12:26.79]You don't have that person [12:27.97]So what now how do you create a healthy ritual for coping [12:32.07]How can you hold yourself until the wave passes [12:36.08]Rituals are powerful [12:37.48]Because they are personal [12:39.32]Maybe you get get yourself giant ant teddy beg you know or awaited blanket [12:44.56]Maybe you create a plaay list [12:46.30]That feels like a hug one [12:48.02]You can cry to dance to chance through or brethrough the purpose of this is not to get rid of your loneliness [12:54.70]But to help you cope with the wave [12:57.50]Maybe you like a lindle and send a voice notes to someone simply saying [13:02.12]Hey [13:02.42]I'm feeling a little lonely today and just to be clear [13:05.44]Because i someone is going to argue about it [13:07.51]You don't reach out to people sorely [13:09.89]So that they can help you [13:11.07]No [13:11.77]You reach out to help yourself first and foremost [13:15.45]Sometimes connection isn't about someone soooping ing and saving the day [13:19.85]It's about the principle of treating yourself like someone worth here in out [13:24.83]Maybe they won't respond [13:26.29]Maybe [13:26.79]Maybe they won't do anything at all [13:28.97]Maabout the loneliness doesn't just live inside your chest [13:32.99]He exists out there in the world too [13:35.94]It's been spoken witnessed shed [13:39.93]Yeah [13:40.73]And you'd be surprised what can happen when you stop bottling everything up [13:46.39]Yes [13:46.59]The world can be cold and cruel [13:49.13]But it's also warm [13:50.59]It's both [13:51.51]And you have to be leave in that warmth olove to keep reaching out for it okay [13:56.23]I need the people in your life [13:57.77]Truly don't care about you [13:59.49]Then ditch them [14:00.91]Dump them like a hotch potato [14:03.47]Okay and go find people who do you are not helpless help yourself first [14:08.51]And watch helps p comment into your life [14:11.10]A lot of us walks through the world armmered up [14:14.88]We tell ourselves stories about how cold or closed off others are [14:19.72]But we don't realize we are the ones [14:21.74]Not giving people a chance [14:23.95]Try saying what you need out loud [14:26.57]Try letting yourself be seen [14:28.57]Try talking to strangers [14:30.23]Yes [14:30.75]Literally even as an experiment just tried for a week [14:34.69]Ask someone for help [14:36.25]Give a compliment say good morning [14:39.04]These little moments remind us [14:40.94]That connection is always available even in the smallless doses [14:45.50]It can be a simple moments [14:46.93]Like me todayago in the park [14:48.66]The other day i saw a guy climbing the stato to a place [14:52.46]I wanted to be [14:53.50]And i was curious about the space [14:54.74]And i said [14:55.14]Hi ah excuse me could you please go up there [14:57.44]And check how busy it is there [14:58.94]And let me know [14:59.90]So i don't have to walk all the way there please thank you [15:02.70]And he said [15:03.30]Oh Sure [15:04.42]He went there found out [15:05.56]Came back and told me that was it [15:07.36]I didn't ask him [15:08.08]Expecting him say yes [15:09.49]I just ask him [15:10.25]Because [15:10.51]Because [15:10.65]Know know [15:10.83]If ignored me ffine wwon't have assumed anything about him [15:14.23]I won't think is a terrible person [15:15.87]I'd [15:16.07]I've just done it [15:16.65]Myself ask someone else [15:18.11]And i won't also think i'm terrible [15:19.57]Either i don't talk to strangers [15:21.37]To prove their people are good or bad [15:23.35]I talk to strangers because humans are supposed to talk to each other [15:26.57]Simple [15:28.11]If what you're lacking is parental connection that gap might never fully close [15:32.65]You have to parent yourself [15:34.33]But if you want to take it even a step further [15:36.65]If you think parenting yourself is just too much for you [15:39.37]You can find a healthy alternative by choosing an elda to be the more adult [15:44.29]Adult in your life [15:46.19]Yeah [15:46.61]Realize we have free way alright [15:49.71]The number of older people who were willingly gladly [15:53.21]Openly accept a random younger person will shock you [15:57.43]The world is growing [15:59.01]Increasingly fragmented [16:00.29]The elders are experiencing a lot of loss and separation too okay [16:05.87]So if you really want an all the mother [16:08.31]Father [16:08.79]Mentor [16:09.61]Grandparent figure [16:10.99]Get your bubub and go outside volunteering care homes [16:14.69]Talk to the grandpa [16:15.83]Sitting on the bench on your way home [16:17.27]He might be a scary person [16:19.19]Or he might be your future chilres and family member [16:22.23]And with all der people you don't have to pretend just build a steady connection and ask them [16:28.33]If theyy're okay being someone you call for life related events [16:32.13]Also there's some people who may not have done right by their own children [16:35.29]So you're so happy to you know to use you as a chance to try again with someone this one replace the acq you hold about your biological family [16:43.81]But it will be a healthy copon mechanism okay [16:46.86]I can only imagine how many people people are in terrible ririages or terrible relationships [16:51.92]Right now because what they actually needed was a hug or a talk with an da or ammenta [16:58.22]对对对 [16:58.64]You know what's better than finding misery absolute misery in the arms of someone who doesn't care about you finding surlace in the arms or words of someone you chose to love you on purposes okay [17:12.24]A stranger turned front [17:14.18]A soul connection made through presents wilillingss [17:18.10]That's why you must be aware of your specific type of loneliness [17:21.44]And it's causes so that stop entering gn fighghts with sorts [17:25.91]嗯嗯 [17:26.52]What's the point of hanging outo be people [17:28.42]I don't feel safe with just so that i'm not alone [17:31.00]That doesn't make any sense to me [17:32.56]That's harmful to me [17:33.76]Because in addition to the loneliness [17:35.48]Now i feel of estimulated of overwhelmed [17:38.30]And i feel empty ty there are alone one being lonely ly ren't synnonyms [17:44.30]There are so many surrounded lonely people [17:47.14]And there are so many alone people who live full expressive vibrant lives [17:52.82]They're not lonely at all they are [17:54.68]You want is a loving ysical connection [17:57.37]Ask your friends be vulnerable [17:59.73]Please ask for hugs [18:01.69]Ask for cuddles [18:03.61]Ask for closeness [18:05.19]And if that grosses you out [18:06.67]Maybe your problem is not loneliness [18:08.39]It might be your mindset [18:10.49]You've been conditions to believe that physical intimity must always be sexual [18:14.87]But that's not biology [18:16.17]That's programming no matter your genda or sexuality [18:19.45]Pattonic touch is beautiful unnecessary [18:23.09]If you value it [18:24.17]If you feel ashamed for needing it [18:26.51]Or if it feels wrong to ask then your assignment is to unlearn that okay [18:32.01]And if your current friends aren't touchy [18:34.71]Then guess watch you have a new mission [18:36.93]Find a touchy friend use your real will [18:41.62]There are people out [18:42.62]There who value affectionate patattonic contact to go and find them [18:46.90]That's people even giving free hoggs on the streets [18:48.80]These days excuse me please go out der [18:52.39]And of course [18:53.25]Let's not ignore the eie [18:54.95]That's physical not just for cudles or company [18:57.71]But for someone who wants you [18:59.11]Really wants [19:00.35]You desire isn't dirty okay [19:03.35]Craiving to be felt and touched that's human too [19:06.91]But don't let that hunger drag you into places [19:09.39]Where your soul starves [19:10.85]Where your heart starves [19:13.27]While your body is fed [19:14.77]Where your heself self plely ly you want flaly the feeling or both be honest to be right ictly honest about what you are seeking and what you are willing to do change open or risk to receive it [19:28.84]Because he is choose [19:29.94]There are people in ten year relationships [19:32.38]Today with someone they should have walked away from after the first meeting [19:36.22]They body for the first three months [19:39.32]The body felt better than the ache [19:41.90]And now they still lonely [19:43.58]They've never stopped being lonely [19:45.50]Ten years in [19:46.54]嗯 有lonely [19:48.24]Because they wened honest with themselves about what they truly needed [19:52.66]There are people who want more deep love [19:55.00]Emotional [19:55.60]Safety [19:56.30]True reciprosity [19:57.48]But they keep letting themselves be used as a body [20:00.18]As a placacelder [20:01.66]But an emotional pitstop for people [20:03.60]Who have no intention of ever loving them [20:05.92]Because the've convinced themselves that they can't get more [20:09.42]They tell themselves that almost is better than nothing [20:12.62]But the satist part is this almost is still nothing [20:17.17]What you choose to do with your life [20:19.17]With your body [20:19.89]With your love is up to you [20:22.39]You know no judgment [20:24.07]Here the earth will have to freeze over times five for me to judge you [20:28.19]But know this youwill suffer [20:30.37]Endlessly if you keep refusing to tell yourself the truth [20:35.11]It is far more healing to sit with the ache [20:37.95]The honest ache of loneliness than to keep jumping from fire to fire [20:44.27]And finally use your creative energy [20:47.25]There's something sacred abbarbian obsessed with life [20:52.09]Yeah [20:53.31]With making something building something expressing something putting something out in the world [20:59.47]That i wouldn't have existed without you [21:01.39]And i'm not talking about babies [21:02.83]When you are creating [21:04.51]There's barely space for rominating sometimes loneliness ss feel so big [21:10.53]Because we're not truly living so lifufulfind something creative tive obsessed over this is one part of livewhere obsession is it encouraged obsessed of a creativity [21:21.56]Yeah [21:22.40]That energy can create words and new dimensions [21:26.50]Listen [21:27.97]Heis the gist [21:29.37]You can't avoid loneliness [21:30.81]My dalling you have to learn to live with it gently healthiily you have to learn how to hnoor its eb and flow stop treating it like a floor [21:40.77]Like a moral failure [21:42.17]We are all having the central human experience [21:44.31]And i know it's hard to hear [21:45.67]But you're not to learning this people all about the world to have lonely days [21:50.44]Lonely ghts [21:51.20]Lonely seasonons [21:52.74]You are just one of them [21:53.94]It doesn't mean anything about you doesn't mean [21:55.98]You failed no [21:57.82]I'm photos of you [21:58.70]Who feel echannally misunderstood [22:00.84]Let me offer you this no one can ever fully understand another human being [22:07.89]We're all alone in a way [22:10.41]Every joy [22:11.41]Every ache [22:12.41]Every memory you carry [22:13.65]Will only ever be felt by you in the exact way you feel it [22:18.49]Anything you share with another person will always be a translation [22:22.25]A story about the scene [22:23.77]Not the scene itself [22:25.93]And that my love is the most universal experience of all so a not lonelliness of its petistol [22:32.95]Don't make it [22:33.53]Your enemy go live [22:35.55]Tricins [22:36.67]Start hobbies [22:37.81]Create rituals [22:39.83]Let lonliness com [22:41.27]Let it go [22:41.91]Let it return [22:42.61]Let it pass [22:43.15]Let it come [22:43.73]Let it go [22:44.97]Just like every other human emotion okay has always it's been an absolute pleasure
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[00:00.00]90听音乐网 www.90T8.com[00:00.19]Loneliness is something i am deeply passionate about because i don't think we approach it as honestly as we should
[00:07.01]And that's why it will always be one of the reasons
[00:09.59]People keep abandoning themselves
[00:11.83]I go deep up into my approach in this video here
[00:14.75]But the heart of it is this we need to disroone loneliness
[00:18.83]Okay
[00:19.29]I'm came into the way we treat
[00:20.69]And as if it's
[00:21.65]It's tragic shameful scene that should never happen
[00:25.43]As if it's unnatural
[00:26.81]But it's not
[00:27.71]And when we see that way we stop our mselves from learning how to live with it
[00:32.34]We don't observe it
[00:34.26]We don't get curious about it
[00:36.10]We don't build healthy ways to cope with it
[00:39.30]Instead we focus all our energy on getting rid of it
[00:42.98]Even if it means running into people and places that slowly cheaper away at our humanity the first way to begin changing your relationship with loneliness is to reframe your way of seeing it
[00:56.64]It's a natural human experience inevitable at times and in many cases
[01:01.78]It doesn't mean anything in sendious about you now
[01:06.18]Of course there are people who are lonely
[01:08.38]Because theyyve ve isolathemselves ves for a plethrow of reasons
[01:12.34]And i found it difficult to return to the world
[01:15.08]And for many people is started as survival trauma can teach your body
[01:19.82]That solitude is safer and company
[01:22.46]If that's your story
[01:23.60]My heart genually goes out to you be gentle with yourself
[01:27.22]Self
[01:27.42]You don't have to leayou can
[01:29.06]Can ch
[01:29.98]没的没有
[01:30.42]If it's available to use start with therapy
[01:33.38]Then slowly we entered the world in ways that feel manageable one of the things i did for myself
[01:39.42]When i was coming out of self isolation was this instead of always sitting alone
[01:44.46]Because i do like to be alone
[01:46.32]And that i've always sitting alone
[01:48.22]I would find a group of people and sit right in the middle or right beside them
[01:53.00]And if i didn't know them
[01:53.98]I would just like can i join you
[01:55.24]Yeah
[01:56.60]嗯
[01:57.04]And then i'll just sit there
[01:58.90]And listen or do my own thing or eat quietly
[02:01.98]It was my way of teaching my body to feel safe around others again
[02:06.06]And by the way i still do it
[02:07.68]Till this day yes and no
[02:09.70]I don't care what people think instead of telling myself the story that i'never never lling to other people on what they are saying ying
[02:15.98]I sit t
[02:16.72]And i
[02:17.52]My sithing there i
[02:18.46]My head phones in
[02:19.42]I smile
[02:20.18]If someonesmiles at me
[02:21.74]I don't say much
[02:22.94]But i remind myself that i belong with my fellow human beings
[02:26.30]Even even if we don't always share the same wave length
[02:30.11]There are also people who have found themselves lonely
[02:32.75]Because they've refused to take responsibility for how they show up in the world
[02:37.29]I'm talking about those people who coast through their relationships
[02:40.45]You know yourself offering little and tain much
[02:44.38]Maybe people have coming to your life
[02:46.02]They've
[02:46.68]The've tried
[02:47.38]They've poured into you
[02:48.82]But they had to leave
[02:50.04]Because you we're unsafe
[02:51.44]Inconsiderate abusive manipulative
[02:54.00]Or maybe you're someone who benefits from systems to harm other people
[02:58.76]And you've chosen silence and comfort overaction
[03:01.56]And now you're looking around
[03:02.96]And there's no one there for you
[03:04.58]Your loneliness is a consequence not occurs
[03:09.53]But that doesn't mean
[03:10.27]It's permanent
[03:10.99]Okay
[03:11.47]There is a way
[03:12.09]I'll remember i'm am starting with the man in the mirror
[03:17.01]Oh Yeah
[03:18.13]I'm asking him to change his
[03:20.39]Oh oh
[03:22.83]Yeah
[03:23.39]No message could have be it ququare high
[03:26.87]If you wana make the world a better place
[03:29.19]Take a look at yourself and then maka maka change yes my love
[03:40.40]It starts with you take a look
[03:42.74]A really long look at the mirror
[03:45.18]And recognize who you've been sufawareness is uncomfortable
[03:48.82]But it's also transformation
[03:50.72]And ll take honest inventory make commands
[03:53.98]Where needed commit to showing up differently the world response to change the behavior
[04:00.00]If you do the work connection will follow my forecast
[04:04.72]Today though is on people who are dealing with loneliness for complex
[04:08.68]And sometimes overlooked reasons
[04:10.44]Let's starts with the basics
[04:13.22]Why are you lonely
[04:15.35]Yes
[04:15.85]A lot of us live with a deep ache
[04:18.33]Yes we know we are lonely
[04:19.99]But we haven't really sat down to reflect
[04:22.55]And they sacked the exact
[04:24.63]Why what do you actually mean when you say you are lonely
[04:28.57]And if someone had the perfect solution to your problem
[04:32.11]What would you want it to be okay are you lonely
[04:36.14]Because you feel like you've never been loved or trutruly known
[04:39.66]If your answer is then pauls are you saying that in your entire life
[04:44.84]No parent no friend no teacher no community member has ever loved or know you
[04:51.34]And if your answer is still yes
[04:53.64]Then i want to gently kindly challenge that is it truly
[04:58.12]That no one has ever cat or is it that you want aware of it or able to receive it
[05:03.54]There's something quietly destructive about blankeage beliefs
[05:08.89]Especially the limiting ones are you familiar with the bay mminine hoff phenomenon also known as the frequency illusion
[05:15.25]It's a coggnive bias
[05:17.21]Where once you become a way of something
[05:19.35]You start to noticing it
[05:20.79]Everywhere the same thing happens with your beliefs
[05:24.38]If you live with the story
[05:26.06]No one truly knows me
[05:27.36]Nobody cares about me
[05:28.78]Nobody loves me
[05:30.06]You will find confirmation for that story
[05:32.86]Everywhere you move to the world in ways that reinforce it
[05:38.16]You overlook people who see you
[05:40.10]You block people who wants to love you
[05:43.97]But if you begin just a little to shift that narrative to something like maybe someone out there to see me or would like to offer me
[05:53.15]I kept telling myself
[05:54.97]If i exist people like me exist you start opininning up possibility
[06:01.83]Yes
[06:02.35]Your chanance is widing and so do your choices because the land you where decides what you notice on what you let in
[06:11.84]So now the real question becomes
[06:14.00]Are you willing to change the story you tell yourself even just little are you willing to become more aware of the love or the possibility of love and community that surounds you it's true
[06:28.27]What you believe shows up in how you carry yourself
[06:31.49]People can feel it
[06:33.41]It's written in your posture
[06:35.49]You're turn your expectations
[06:37.99]When someone walks through the world
[06:40.01]Convinced that everybody hates them
[06:41.73]It shows you repairs
[06:44.12]Healthy connection
[06:45.26]Because what you're unconsciously telling people and communicating is that you don't believe that you or someone worth knowing either and the most beautiful thing about our brains
[06:56.25]Is that he can't tell the difference
[06:57.81]It doesn't know the difference between what's true and what's repeated in neurosciences called newer plasticity
[07:04.37]The brain's ability to rewire itself based on repeated thought
[07:09.23]Repeated language and behaviour
[07:12.08]Every time you repeat a belief
[07:13.68]Whether it's i am unlovable or i am worthy of love
[07:18.04]You are strengening a neural passway pay attention and the more
[07:23.16]It's repeated the more automatic and true
[07:26.18]It feels your brain isn't assessing for accuracy
[07:31.47]You responds to emotion repetition and consistency
[07:35.83]So when you begin expecting to be loved
[07:38.39]Respected and supported
[07:40.29]Even if
[07:40.77]If youels take adverast
[07:42.41]Yes you are conditioning your brain to believe it
[07:45.49]And over time your action start outlining
[07:48.71]You become more open
[07:49.95]More grounded
[07:50.73]More receptive and people responded that yes try working into the world with the refrarame
[07:57.73]I
[07:58.14]Myself and others love me
[07:59.38]Even if you don't believe it
[08:00.32]You'll be shocked at how different everything feels not because the world changed
[08:05.38]But because
[08:05.80]Because did oookay i ve ve to hearing all of this yes you think and well
[08:12.68]It's not that i've never been loved
[08:14.22]It's just that i've never had that one person i can call mine
[08:18.02]Then we're talking about a different type of loneliness
[08:21.26]Now okay
[08:22.22]One does stems less from luck and more from desire
[08:27.51]Sometimes even from the fantasy and stories
[08:30.63]We've been fed about what love is supposed to look like
[08:33.43]And that kind of ache is valid by the way it's valid
[08:37.51]It can be just as sharp and just as consuming as the ones that come from actual lack
[08:43.07]But it's important to clege what it is romantic relationship are not guarantees
[08:47.93]They are not old
[08:48.41]But are not fundamental human rights
[08:51.19]So they're absence in your life is not a failure
[08:54.33]It's not proof that something is wrong with you
[08:56.47]Yes
[08:56.81]Desires are human
[08:58.15]But they don't define your worth
[08:59.83]And they certainly don't have to dictate the quality of your life
[09:03.93]Okay
[09:04.77]My video the search for the one might be very beneficial to you
[09:08.55]Maybe your loneliness comes from the absence of family
[09:11.73]Maybe you feel the gap during hard times
[09:14.47]You know when other people call their muom's or rely on their dead
[09:17.75]And you have no one you trust enough to call
[09:20.15]Or maybe your parents or your loved ones have passed on
[09:22.73]And you're carrying the weight of that loss in silence or alone
[09:26.27]Or maybe you're one of the many humans with divergent minds trying to survive in the world built on neuroconformity in that case
[09:35.82]Your loneliness isn't imagined
[09:37.70]It's
[09:38.10]It's its systemic you may be surrounded by people who love you
[09:41.72]People who shoshop for you
[09:43.52]And still feel like there's a pain of glass between you and the rest of the world
[09:47.98]Like your clothes but never quite reached scene
[09:50.54]But never quite understood and that kind of lonineineit's not about being alone
[09:54.74]It's not not
[09:55.14]You know know know
[09:56.94]Not not about symity is about being misred mistuned and emotionally mistranslated
[10:02.67]Again and again in ways so normalized
[10:05.59]So deeply eebedded in our culture
[10:08.11]In the fabric of our cultures
[10:09.45]Our institutions into everyday expectations
[10:12.43]That most people don't ever notice that is happening
[10:15.59]This can also apply to people who are culturally or racially distinct in the spaces
[10:20.01]They occupy telling you to get a new hobby is in the answer certainly
[10:24.51]So maybe your relief can come from actively seeking spaces made out for mind like mind like your censory safe environment or even communities
[10:33.23]Where people speak your rhythm or share your culture
[10:36.81]The reason
[10:37.37]I'm asking you to identify the exact causes of your loneliness
[10:41.09]So that you can deal with it in the targeted and mind like yours
[10:44.47]Because
[10:45.40]Because if what you're craving is emotional connection
[10:48.06]Then physical closeness that lacks
[10:50.12]That emotional depth won't help it will keep you visibly not alone
[10:54.04]But eternally empty that's like trying to treeat cancer with painkillers
[10:58.60]Because might none the acge
[10:59.92]But it won't kill those cells
[11:01.92]This is why
[11:02.56]So many force are waste deep in painful relationships on healthy attachments on shalthy connections
[11:08.32]Because we a't 't ililto to netions
[11:10.52]Because our age long enough to learn what it might mean
[11:14.00]And we wln't mean
[11:15.85]What does it mean
[11:16.93]It means accepting that some kinds of loneliness might never fully go away
[11:22.79]Especially
[11:23.38]The systemic kind are that healing that might take time or truth or a whole lot of discomfort
[11:30.71]And again before you despair here this being human ean experiencing the foose spectrum of emotion
[11:38.21]Joy Grief
[11:39.25]Anger
[11:39.67]Loneliness
[11:40.27]Love
[11:40.79]None of it is good or bad
[11:43.01]It just is
[11:44.66]嗯
[11:45.06]Just like some people turn to cheap
[11:46.56]Opperen to escape sadness or boredom we run from loneliness
[11:51.58]Because we've never learned to live with it
[11:53.84]To get curious about it to be frienend it ask yyourself
[11:58.58]When do you feel alone is it at night
[12:00.78]In the mornings on father's day or mother's day
[12:04.14]Or when you see couples
[12:05.36]Or maybe you see someone being held in the way
[12:07.86]You longful are there any other pggers
[12:10.56]What's on healthy patterns do you usually engaging when it happens
[12:14.93]What does that pattern review to you
[12:17.19]Because once you have a name for it
[12:19.51]You can then create a ritual to meet it
[12:22.59]Say it's six pm on the wednesday
[12:24.67]And you're aching for someone to hold you
[12:26.79]You don't have that person
[12:27.97]So what now how do you create a healthy ritual for coping
[12:32.07]How can you hold yourself until the wave passes
[12:36.08]Rituals are powerful
[12:37.48]Because they are personal
[12:39.32]Maybe you get get yourself giant ant teddy beg you know or awaited blanket
[12:44.56]Maybe you create a plaay list
[12:46.30]That feels like a hug one
[12:48.02]You can cry to dance to chance through or brethrough the purpose of this is not to get rid of your loneliness
[12:54.70]But to help you cope with the wave
[12:57.50]Maybe you like a lindle and send a voice notes to someone simply saying
[13:02.12]Hey
[13:02.42]I'm feeling a little lonely today and just to be clear
[13:05.44]Because i someone is going to argue about it
[13:07.51]You don't reach out to people sorely
[13:09.89]So that they can help you
[13:11.07]No
[13:11.77]You reach out to help yourself first and foremost
[13:15.45]Sometimes connection isn't about someone soooping ing and saving the day
[13:19.85]It's about the principle of treating yourself like someone worth here in out
[13:24.83]Maybe they won't respond
[13:26.29]Maybe
[13:26.79]Maybe they won't do anything at all
[13:28.97]Maabout the loneliness doesn't just live inside your chest
[13:32.99]He exists out there in the world too
[13:35.94]It's been spoken witnessed shed
[13:39.93]Yeah
[13:40.73]And you'd be surprised what can happen when you stop bottling everything up
[13:46.39]Yes
[13:46.59]The world can be cold and cruel
[13:49.13]But it's also warm
[13:50.59]It's both
[13:51.51]And you have to be leave in that warmth olove to keep reaching out for it okay
[13:56.23]I need the people in your life
[13:57.77]Truly don't care about you
[13:59.49]Then ditch them
[14:00.91]Dump them like a hotch potato
[14:03.47]Okay and go find people who do you are not helpless help yourself first
[14:08.51]And watch helps p comment into your life
[14:11.10]A lot of us walks through the world armmered up
[14:14.88]We tell ourselves stories about how cold or closed off others are
[14:19.72]But we don't realize we are the ones
[14:21.74]Not giving people a chance
[14:23.95]Try saying what you need out loud
[14:26.57]Try letting yourself be seen
[14:28.57]Try talking to strangers
[14:30.23]Yes
[14:30.75]Literally even as an experiment just tried for a week
[14:34.69]Ask someone for help
[14:36.25]Give a compliment say good morning
[14:39.04]These little moments remind us
[14:40.94]That connection is always available even in the smallless doses
[14:45.50]It can be a simple moments
[14:46.93]Like me todayago in the park
[14:48.66]The other day i saw a guy climbing the stato to a place
[14:52.46]I wanted to be
[14:53.50]And i was curious about the space
[14:54.74]And i said
[14:55.14]Hi ah excuse me could you please go up there
[14:57.44]And check how busy it is there
[14:58.94]And let me know
[14:59.90]So i don't have to walk all the way there please thank you
[15:02.70]And he said
[15:03.30]Oh Sure
[15:04.42]He went there found out
[15:05.56]Came back and told me that was it
[15:07.36]I didn't ask him
[15:08.08]Expecting him say yes
[15:09.49]I just ask him
[15:10.25]Because
[15:10.51]Because
[15:10.65]Know know
[15:10.83]If ignored me ffine wwon't have assumed anything about him
[15:14.23]I won't think is a terrible person
[15:15.87]I'd
[15:16.07]I've just done it
[15:16.65]Myself ask someone else
[15:18.11]And i won't also think i'm terrible
[15:19.57]Either i don't talk to strangers
[15:21.37]To prove their people are good or bad
[15:23.35]I talk to strangers because humans are supposed to talk to each other
[15:26.57]Simple
[15:28.11]If what you're lacking is parental connection that gap might never fully close
[15:32.65]You have to parent yourself
[15:34.33]But if you want to take it even a step further
[15:36.65]If you think parenting yourself is just too much for you
[15:39.37]You can find a healthy alternative by choosing an elda to be the more adult
[15:44.29]Adult in your life
[15:46.19]Yeah
[15:46.61]Realize we have free way alright
[15:49.71]The number of older people who were willingly gladly
[15:53.21]Openly accept a random younger person will shock you
[15:57.43]The world is growing
[15:59.01]Increasingly fragmented
[16:00.29]The elders are experiencing a lot of loss and separation too okay
[16:05.87]So if you really want an all the mother
[16:08.31]Father
[16:08.79]Mentor
[16:09.61]Grandparent figure
[16:10.99]Get your bubub and go outside volunteering care homes
[16:14.69]Talk to the grandpa
[16:15.83]Sitting on the bench on your way home
[16:17.27]He might be a scary person
[16:19.19]Or he might be your future chilres and family member
[16:22.23]And with all der people you don't have to pretend just build a steady connection and ask them
[16:28.33]If theyy're okay being someone you call for life related events
[16:32.13]Also there's some people who may not have done right by their own children
[16:35.29]So you're so happy to you know to use you as a chance to try again with someone this one replace the acq you hold about your biological family
[16:43.81]But it will be a healthy copon mechanism okay
[16:46.86]I can only imagine how many people people are in terrible ririages or terrible relationships
[16:51.92]Right now because what they actually needed was a hug or a talk with an da or ammenta
[16:58.22]对对对
[16:58.64]You know what's better than finding misery absolute misery in the arms of someone who doesn't care about you finding surlace in the arms or words of someone you chose to love you on purposes okay
[17:12.24]A stranger turned front
[17:14.18]A soul connection made through presents wilillingss
[17:18.10]That's why you must be aware of your specific type of loneliness
[17:21.44]And it's causes so that stop entering gn fighghts with sorts
[17:25.91]嗯嗯
[17:26.52]What's the point of hanging outo be people
[17:28.42]I don't feel safe with just so that i'm not alone
[17:31.00]That doesn't make any sense to me
[17:32.56]That's harmful to me
[17:33.76]Because in addition to the loneliness
[17:35.48]Now i feel of estimulated of overwhelmed
[17:38.30]And i feel empty ty there are alone one being lonely ly ren't synnonyms
[17:44.30]There are so many surrounded lonely people
[17:47.14]And there are so many alone people who live full expressive vibrant lives
[17:52.82]They're not lonely at all they are
[17:54.68]You want is a loving ysical connection
[17:57.37]Ask your friends be vulnerable
[17:59.73]Please ask for hugs
[18:01.69]Ask for cuddles
[18:03.61]Ask for closeness
[18:05.19]And if that grosses you out
[18:06.67]Maybe your problem is not loneliness
[18:08.39]It might be your mindset
[18:10.49]You've been conditions to believe that physical intimity must always be sexual
[18:14.87]But that's not biology
[18:16.17]That's programming no matter your genda or sexuality
[18:19.45]Pattonic touch is beautiful unnecessary
[18:23.09]If you value it
[18:24.17]If you feel ashamed for needing it
[18:26.51]Or if it feels wrong to ask then your assignment is to unlearn that okay
[18:32.01]And if your current friends aren't touchy
[18:34.71]Then guess watch you have a new mission
[18:36.93]Find a touchy friend use your real will
[18:41.62]There are people out
[18:42.62]There who value affectionate patattonic contact to go and find them
[18:46.90]That's people even giving free hoggs on the streets
[18:48.80]These days excuse me please go out der
[18:52.39]And of course
[18:53.25]Let's not ignore the eie
[18:54.95]That's physical not just for cudles or company
[18:57.71]But for someone who wants you
[18:59.11]Really wants
[19:00.35]You desire isn't dirty okay
[19:03.35]Craiving to be felt and touched that's human too
[19:06.91]But don't let that hunger drag you into places
[19:09.39]Where your soul starves
[19:10.85]Where your heart starves
[19:13.27]While your body is fed
[19:14.77]Where your heself self plely ly you want flaly the feeling or both be honest to be right ictly honest about what you are seeking and what you are willing to do change open or risk to receive it
[19:28.84]Because he is choose
[19:29.94]There are people in ten year relationships
[19:32.38]Today with someone they should have walked away from after the first meeting
[19:36.22]They body for the first three months
[19:39.32]The body felt better than the ache
[19:41.90]And now they still lonely
[19:43.58]They've never stopped being lonely
[19:45.50]Ten years in
[19:46.54]嗯 有lonely
[19:48.24]Because they wened honest with themselves about what they truly needed
[19:52.66]There are people who want more deep love
[19:55.00]Emotional
[19:55.60]Safety
[19:56.30]True reciprosity
[19:57.48]But they keep letting themselves be used as a body
[20:00.18]As a placacelder
[20:01.66]But an emotional pitstop for people
[20:03.60]Who have no intention of ever loving them
[20:05.92]Because the've convinced themselves that they can't get more
[20:09.42]They tell themselves that almost is better than nothing
[20:12.62]But the satist part is this almost is still nothing
[20:17.17]What you choose to do with your life
[20:19.17]With your body
[20:19.89]With your love is up to you
[20:22.39]You know no judgment
[20:24.07]Here the earth will have to freeze over times five for me to judge you
[20:28.19]But know this youwill suffer
[20:30.37]Endlessly if you keep refusing to tell yourself the truth
[20:35.11]It is far more healing to sit with the ache
[20:37.95]The honest ache of loneliness than to keep jumping from fire to fire
[20:44.27]And finally use your creative energy
[20:47.25]There's something sacred abbarbian obsessed with life
[20:52.09]Yeah
[20:53.31]With making something building something expressing something putting something out in the world
[20:59.47]That i wouldn't have existed without you
[21:01.39]And i'm not talking about babies
[21:02.83]When you are creating
[21:04.51]There's barely space for rominating sometimes loneliness ss feel so big
[21:10.53]Because we're not truly living so lifufulfind something creative tive obsessed over this is one part of livewhere obsession is it encouraged obsessed of a creativity
[21:21.56]Yeah
[21:22.40]That energy can create words and new dimensions
[21:26.50]Listen
[21:27.97]Heis the gist
[21:29.37]You can't avoid loneliness
[21:30.81]My dalling you have to learn to live with it gently healthiily you have to learn how to hnoor its eb and flow stop treating it like a floor
[21:40.77]Like a moral failure
[21:42.17]We are all having the central human experience
[21:44.31]And i know it's hard to hear
[21:45.67]But you're not to learning this people all about the world to have lonely days
[21:50.44]Lonely ghts
[21:51.20]Lonely seasonons
[21:52.74]You are just one of them
[21:53.94]It doesn't mean anything about you doesn't mean
[21:55.98]You failed no
[21:57.82]I'm photos of you
[21:58.70]Who feel echannally misunderstood
[22:00.84]Let me offer you this no one can ever fully understand another human being
[22:07.89]We're all alone in a way
[22:10.41]Every joy
[22:11.41]Every ache
[22:12.41]Every memory you carry
[22:13.65]Will only ever be felt by you in the exact way you feel it
[22:18.49]Anything you share with another person will always be a translation
[22:22.25]A story about the scene
[22:23.77]Not the scene itself
[22:25.93]And that my love is the most universal experience of all so a not lonelliness of its petistol
[22:32.95]Don't make it
[22:33.53]Your enemy go live
[22:35.55]Tricins
[22:36.67]Start hobbies
[22:37.81]Create rituals
[22:39.83]Let lonliness com
[22:41.27]Let it go
[22:41.91]Let it return
[22:42.61]Let it pass
[22:43.15]Let it come
[22:43.73]Let it go
[22:44.97]Just like every other human emotion okay has always it's been an absolute pleasure
